.
i’m not sure how to go about this. for the past few hours i’ve been telling myself that i wanted to die, and that i was dying, but at the same time i knew that i wasn’t going to do it at all. i was trying to rationalise why these words, out of all words, kept appearing in my head. right now they’re still floating around. floating and bombarding. is it because they’re attractive? is it because i want attention? from who? earlier i had emailed my professor my honest feelings on how i’ve been feeling about our project, how much i’ve been lacking, my weaknesses and all. it was something i’d never thought i should do, to dump all my feelings onto someone who was above me, someone who already had so much under her belt, someone who did not need to deal with my nonsense. but i felt like if i didn’t do it, i might not be able to move on with life in general. it was my own selfish need. in reality i was this clueless person who didn’t give a shit, this unmotivated person, uninterested in learning anything. in front of her i tried to act otherwise, asking questions i didn’t mean to ask. i don’t even know what i’m doing. it was horrible. it still is. feeling as if you’re not alive, you’re not yourself, and that you were just doing things for the sake of being technically alive and breathing. i can still talk to my friends normally and be a normal person, but when i’m alone and reflecting, that’s when i become aware of thoughts that have been sticking around longer than they should be.
